If you find yourself encouraged, follow my new blog at www.streamsandthorns.com for more posts like this one.
I found this entry the other day while randomly flipping through an old journal:
“January 2, 2013
Today, sort of in passing and sort of without even realizing it, I prayed a prayer.
‘Do something great through me… No matter what it takes.’
I meant it when I prayed it, but my next thought was: ‘Uh-oh.’”
Dear Ashley from almost two years ago: that next thought was very appropriate.
You see we used to have the “ideal” family. I\’ll never forget when I was pregnant the second time and we found out we were having a girl and how perfect that was for us. We had our boy and now our girl to complete the balance. Two little picture-perfect blonde haired, blue-eyed beauties.
We always talked about bringing another child into the family down the road. Maybe adopt from Africa or Asia, a newborn who needed a home. We could do that in a few years, no problem.
I did not anticipate that later that same year we would move to a little town called Benjamin Constant and that shortly thereafter, when Raegan was just 4 months old, we would meet a little brown-eyed girl that would rewrite everything we knew about parenthood and ourselves. I will never forget the night I laid there in bed and told Richard I felt like we should pray about adopting her.
I had no idea–not the slightest clue–what I was praying for.
I remember discussing the challenges we knew we would face. The language barrier, the physical and mental delays, the criticism from the locals; we knew it would be difficult.
Those things now seem like child\’s play.
When you hear people talk about adoption, you hear about how beautiful it is, this Gospel picture. I say it myself. The idea of redeeming a child from pain and suffering and hopelessness is undeniably inviting. To be a part of bringing hope and life to a child is one of our callings as followers of Christ. Beautiful indeed.
What we do not hear a whole lot about, however, is the ugly side.
Without tragedy, there is no need for adoption. If something were not broken, there would be no need to fix it.
If it were not for the fact that something went terribly wrong, adoption would not be necessary. Be it death or abuse or abandonment, intentional or otherwise, there is a tragic reason this child is in need of a different family from the one that shares the same bloodline and facial features. There is a broken past with every single adopted child out there and it leaves a mark. Sometimes that mark is a faded scar that is barely noticeable to the untrained eye.
Other times, it is a gaping flesh wound that needs constant attention and care.
God chose to give us the latter.
And it has been ugly.
Because nothing prepares you for having to hold down that sought after child as she kicks and screams, “I want to go back to the street!!” And all because you are doing what no one else in her life ever has: you are loving her.
I will never forget googling “What if I don’t like my adopted daughter” and the relief I felt when articles actually popped up, announcing that these feeling of mine are actually common.
In August, she completed one year in our home—and the single hardest year of our life. I look back at the child who stepped into our home that Friday night. Her scalp was so full of infection that the doctors prescribed four different medications to heal it. Her teeth were little pieces of black and brown bone jutting from her infected gums. Her hair was brittle and orange in color from lack of nutrition. Her eyes were wild, pupils enlarged as she tried to understand what was happening, her body conditioned to remain in a constant state of fight or flight. She carried her small backpack full of dirty, hole-ridden clothing that a person would not even consider donating to Goodwill.
This isn’t what it should look like, a family bringing in another. It should be that her biological mother tucks her in at night, along with her 7 biological siblings, assuring them of love and care. They should laugh together and go on outings together and she should know the love of a family with siblings and parents that look like her, speak like her. She should know the value of discipline and should be taught consequence.
But we live in a fallen world where parents leave their own to roam the streets because they never knew any different themselves.
So our life as we knew it was destroyed that day. It was destroyed for the sake of redeeming this one. But we never knew what that would entail.
It has been painful.
No adoption is pain free. I am not referring to the hours spent at the courthouse or the paperwork that seems insurmountable. I do not mean the waiting game of home visits and Psychologist appointments.
Those are the easy parts, my friends.
The hard part is loving. And that is the part I never anticipated.
Shortly after our daughter moved in, the giddiness of having a new child wore off. It was like having a newborn to care for except that this newborn had been in survival mode for six and half years and thought she had a better idea than you of what she needed. The lies began and the manipulation commenced and suddenly, after just three months of having what now felt like a stranger in our home, we began to recoil.
“What have we done?” I would ask myself, remembering our “perfect” family of four.
I would scroll through my Facebook newsfeed and the pictures of perfect families would dance across my screen, almost taunting me. I would close the app feeling guilt, regret, confusion. Pain.
I often say if we had known what we were getting into before we got into it, we wouldn’t have gotten into it. And I know that is exactly why God does not often reveal His plans for us, because we would run away in fear of the trials that lie before us, not valuing the refining process that makes us a just a little more like Him.
Yesterday I looked at her as she sat across the table from me, unaware of my thoughts. Her hair is dark brown now and shines in the light. Her teeth, bright white and clean. We have had to buy her new shoes three times this year as her body catches up to the size it should be for her age. She is able to read now, something we had all but given up hope on as she didn’t know the difference between a letter and a number this time last year.
She is beautiful on the outside—a whitewashed wall.
Because you don’t raise yourself on the street for six and a half years with no consequence. So the lies and manipulation and disobedience flow so naturally to her that at times she doesn’t even perceive it. She resists our love. She has yet to grasp the fact that she no longer has to protect herself; she is safe here. So she hides behind the walls she built so long ago of self-preservation and self-focus and replaces each brick as we attempt to take them down.
There is a common perception out there that implies that adoption, because it is a concept based on the Gospel and because it is redeeming a child from their orphan status, is simple. Of course, we may be quick to admit that the process is complicated. The attorney and the judge and the biological parents or the orphanage and the paperwork and the waiting and the waiting and the waiting… that part is hard, but then—THEN—it’s smooth sailing.
“All we need is love.” Right?
Adoption is far from simple.
I see heart-warming adoption quotes on social media all the time, especially in this month of November that is National Adoption Awareness Month. In fact, not long ago I stumbled across my own “Adoption” board on my Pinterest that coincidentally I created about the same time that journal entry was written and couldn’t help but laugh out loud and what my picture of adoption looked like back then. Back before the long nights and tears and confusion and calling out to God.
Because once the Facebook pictures are posted and the excitement dies down over this new addition, you find yourself face to face alone with a reality that you did not stop to consider before:
Yes, the Gospel is a picture of adoption into the family of Christ. And the Gospel includes immense amounts of suffering. Without death, there is no redemption. Without pain, there is no joy in victory.
Over a year has passed now and mostly we are thankful that we have survived. In the beginning, all day, every day was consumed with teaching truth and consequence, faith and repentance, and trying to discern the truth from the lies. And now most days are still that way but they have become graciously spaced out to where sometimes we actually feel like a functioning family of five on some level or another.
Grace from Heaven.
Why do I say all this? Not for a pity party, I assure you. We are taught to rejoice in our sufferings because it is through them that we are formed more into the image of our Savior.
I say it, believe it or not, as an encouragement. I have read several blog posts and books this past year and the ones that encouraged me most were the ones that said something to this effect, ‘This adoption thing? It’s hard. You are going to fail at times. You are going to cry and ask ‘why?’, possibly often. You are going to feel overwhelmed. And guess what: sometimes you are going to struggle to love. But it is ok because you, on your own, can’t love anyway. It is impossible. But the good news is that through Christ, you can love unconditionally and without reciprocation. Hang in there. His mercy is new every day. And His grace is sufficient.’
So to my fellow adoptive parents, who find themselves overwhelmed and overcome and cringe when they see the idealized photos of adoption: do not give up. God has a purpose for this child and part of it is to refine you and teach you what unconditional love really looks like—messy. Another part—maybe the biggest—is to give you the slightest glimpse of the pain that Christ went through and the miracle it is that He can love us as He does. Oh, the miracle.
To those in the adoption process, do not let this discourage you, but also don’t write me off. There is a certain naivety in every new adoption. I know, I have been there and I believe that is also God’s grace measured out to us. Often God keeps us blinded to the realities of the trials we will face in order to grow our faith. It is necessary. “Oh, but you adopted an older child/out of birth order/foreign speaker. I’m adopting a newborn/young child/English speaker,” you may say. Irrelevant my friends. I know personal stories of children adopted from birth that have immense struggles. So listen to those who have gone before and prepare your hearts. Pray for God to prepare you in ways that you do not even realize that you need to be prepared.Pray for faith and endurance. Pray for peace and hope. You will need all of these as you embark on this journey.
For those who are reading this and have had a “smooth” attachment to your adopted child, hold your judgment. Instead of casting stones, throw up some prayers for those who adopted the more severely injured, those struggling to love, and those who dread another day. Be careful not to become self-righteous because your experience looks different. Rejoice that God chose to give you a child with less baggage in tow.
This adoption thing is ugly. It takes time for broken things to mend. It takes time for wounds to heal.
But you know what’s amazing about it all?
He gives beauty for ashes. And that, my friends, is beautiful indeed.
{UPDATE: You can read my follow up blog The Ugly Side of Me}
S T R E A M S + T H O R N S 
Thank you for this article showing your heart wide open. We are currently working with families who are adopting, and this article truly touches the realities involved in a realistic and good way. May God bless you and each of the people you impact as you continue to go forward! May He give you the strength and encouragement you need each step of the way.
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Thank you for this. It takes guts to say this out loud. I have a blog too, but the last several months have been so all consuming I haven't even had time to write. I have 2 adopted and 4 bio. Its been very hard. I will just leave it here so you know you are not alone. http://www.composinghope.com
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It IS hard, even when adopting a baby! Since adopting my son 26 years ago, I've become a firm believer in genetics! We just don't GET him, and vice versa. It's finally better, now that he's off on his own, but I've just never bonded to him, and with my biological daughter it was instantaneous and forever (she is my favorite person in the world–there's nobody I'd rather spend time with!). But he, not sharing our genes, has always been a mystery to me. So yes, adoption is hard, no matter the situation…
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As a child who went through similar things to your daughter, I can tell you that the black hole inside her may yet be filled with your love. In my case it took many, many loving adults to fill that hole, and a church family where pretty much everyone had to act as a parent to me while I lied and destroyed and hurt and healed. But eventually my walls came down; eventually I learned to trust. Your awareness of what she's going through and your willingness not to give up are her only hope. There will be light at the end of the long, long tunnel.
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Amen & Amen! Your wisdom to all parties at the close is spot on. Thank you.
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There are so many of us out there, trying our best every day to love these kiddos, but it's not us who ultimately can save them, it is only God. During the first few years, I thought I could do this, but now almost 7 years into it, I know I cannot, it is only by God's grace and His love that my child will be healed and only in His timing…I wish there was more education out there during the pre-adoptive stages to help naïve couples and families to know what they are getting into and how to handle it when it happens, I think that is a missing link. Anyway, very well said and thank you for opening up and sharing, it is always a wonderful thing when the truth is revealed.
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We have fostered 9 children for different lengths of time. 4 of them are now carrying our last name! The youngest of our foster kids is about to get our last name also. Our story is different and the same. I wouldn't want to undo anything we have been through because of who we have grown to be today. Fostering and adoption is a family thing. Our kids are now involved in the process as they need to be. After all, this is a family thing. Anyone considering adoption, get ready to be more than you ever thought possible. God will reshape you and you will love it. The reshaping is tough, but the end result is awesome!
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Amen! Amen! Amen! (Anon 8:35 11-11)As a (transracial toddler international) adoptive parent a US foster parent of many older children, and a Lutheran Pastor, I have a hard time with the \”righteousnes\” the author expressed here. I believe I am living out a calling from God to walk with, parent and nurture the children in my care, but I am NOT their savior! God did not desire the children to be in the situations they have lived. The children have all experienced trauma and pain, but they are no more broken than I am. The suffering some have experienced has been more than most people could survive, more than I'd likely survive. My calling to these children is that of patience, endurance, love – even when love feels impossible. I expect no gratitude for 'saving' these beautiful children of God…that'a Christ's redemptive role. Love is not enough! The author is right. Support of community, professionals, respite, the adoptive community, adoption professionals, healthy and ever learning adoptive parents… I hear her pain, her isolation, her pain…where is the rest of her community of faith? The family adoptive professionals? We cannot and should not romanticize adoption. Neither the 'perfect family' (i.e. biological) as there is no such thing. I have friends with two biological children who suffer in parenting far more than I ever have with my ever changing and growing family. We are all saint and sinner simultaneously. We are all ever trying to balance the right/wrong – good/evil in our lives…that's no different for the author's daughter. And just a year into the adoption, she's still in survival mode. My foster training has helped me to realize that kids, in their incredible resilience, generally need to live in a safe, stable and secure envionment 1-2 times as long as they were in their traumatic environment. For everyone trust takes time, for someone who has experienced trauma, trust take all the longer. She has potential…she too is created in God's image, she has been saved by Christ, she can experience healing, but getting there will not be easy, quick or painless…and if it's possible to put yourself into the shoes of your daughter, you'll begin to see her pain is as great or even far greater than your own. She's still fighting to survive! I am really concerned about the author and her family. Help, professional help is needed. In the mean time I offer what I can, which are my prayers for grace, patience, peace, forgiveness and healing
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As a single adoptive & foster-to-adoptive parent who has been at wits end again and again, I too give thanks for the struggles our family has experiences – I hate the pain, the distrust, the anger, the trauma – but through all those things we've grown and learnes to flourish. In the moment they can be hell-on-earth. I give thanks for my church community, adoption profesionals, therapists (at one time our family saw 3 different therapists due to the needs present!), doctors, my family, and God for support, occasional respite, and love.I hold the family in prayer – may they recieve the help they need to experience forgiveness, love, and love.
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Amen and Appreciation to You. This is spot on. We read and pray and prepare, but you never know what you're really going to get. Our sons are such amazing blessings, and we are so glad the God chose to give them to us. But truly, the never-ending hurdles make one's head swim, and those on the outside can not relate. Thank you for the breath of reality!
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We adopted our daughter 16 and half years ago. She is 18 now and we struggle everyday with what she took with her from the orphanage. She has been in therapy since she was 5 years old. She does not have good friends, though she is loved by many. She does not do well in school and does not have a plan for the future of any kind, though she has been very well supported by her school staff and many professionals. I don't know what we'd do without all of this, but especially am thankful for the love we have for her from Jesus. Despite all of these sad things, she is still so much better off with us. By now she would be living on the streets and would have no future. That is reality. That is what adoptive parents need to know.
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As I was reading this I saw so many of my own thoughts and words. What I was not prepared for in my role as an adoptive parent was what I would learn about myself. The journey is long, arduous and truly ugly, which makes the joy that does come in between all the more sweet. 11 years in and all six adopted siblings are still with us even though many of their wounds still exist. We are a family now. Improvement comes in baby steps. Thank you and know that you are not alone. God's grace continues to hold us up.
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This blog post is everything I experience daily with my two who have been home for 1.5 years. Thank you! Thank you for posting!
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This was wonderful! Thank you so much for writing it so honestly! I have printed it out to read again on bad days!
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Thank you!!
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Thanks for sharing this. The comment about trying to start a support group for adoptive parents is a great idea. Today in this media-world some support and encouragement comes through communicating online with others, and having a Christian perspective is great. Your story starts out so much like our story – two healthy kids, a boy and a girl, yet this desire to adopt a child who needs a home. God did bless my husband and me by allowing us to adopt a little girl, a 9-year old whirlwind who became our oldest child, one who grew up on the streets of Mexico, fed from trash cans by her two brothers a few years older than them. When she arrived in our home, the \”honeymoon\” period did not last long! So much of our time and efforts were given to her and our other children suffered. There was little help 40 years ago, counseling efforts were always about what we as parents might be doing wrong! But our Lord was always with us, guiding and encouraging us through His Word and reminding us that He chose this beautiful little girl to be a special part of our family. Adopting her was the hardest trial we went through as a couple, even harder than my battling cancer a few years earlier. Our parents always loved her and supported us; what a blessing their support was even though they lived 100 miles away. Today she is wonderful Christian lady – married for many years to one man, has one son, served in our military for four years, is a registered nurse, ministers to people considering abortion through pro-life efforts, and is active in her church. Her life became meaningful and full when she gave her life to Christ as her Savior a few years ago. We praise God for His grace, help, comfort and guidance, and we always knew that God had called us to this ministry and would equip us with what we needed for each moment. He will do the same for you! Perhaps it will take years before you see positive changes, but with God's help you can keep doing your best to love and nurture this little girl he has blessed you with. Thanks for sharing your story and allowing me to share my story of God's grace. I know many folks will be praying for you and your family.
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thanks for posting this. We have just recently taken in a child who needed a home from our own community. I already have 4 of my own and the older two have really struggled with the change in the family dynamic. The frustration, resentment, sadness, and anger from them makes me worry about our choice. While I know that I can trust God to get us through anything, it is truly encouraging to know that I am not the only one struggling with these feelings and worries about my family.
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I love the anonymous comment from above that encourages you to step out of the \”sinner/saint\” view of your daughter's behavior. As a child mental health therapist, I would agree that adoption often comes out of suffering – whether suffering for the birth parents, extended family or adoptee. But your daughter is not \”broken.\” I love the patience and desire to persevere through the difficulty I sense from your words. Developmentally she is probably very young, and it will take a while for her to feel safe. Secondly, as an adult adoptee, I want to encourage you to be careful with saying things like 'all adopted kids have wounds.' I was adopted at birth, and damn straight that made a difference. My adoption has impacted me, for sure. But I am a healthy, secure woman with fulfilling relationships. I grew up in a home where I never felt \”less loved\” because of my status as adopted, and I am more well-adjusted than many non-adopted individuals, thanks to the secure, loving environment I grew up in. When people look at me and assume I must be \”wounded\” because I was adopted, I know it's their own projection.
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Ashley, I don't usually comment on blogs, but I had to say thank you… you have put into words my thoughts that no one wants to hear. Our neighbors, friends, church members and even family want to emphasize how \”wonderful\” everything is. We adopted a 5 yo girl last year and on the outside she is a completely new child… truly beautiful (amazing what nutrition, hygiene and a dentist can do) and so smart she has gone from knowing zero english to above grade level. But the lies and manipulation are something she sees as her lifeline and cannot let go of. Of course we worried about her attachment to us but since we already had two \”ideal\” children who we loved beyond words, why would we consider if it would be hard to love her? No loving parent who is not in this situation can understand. You think your love is truly unconditional, but it is HARD to fully love and serve (much of parenthood is servitude) a child who does not love you back. Especially one who tries hard to find passive aggressive ways to hurt you because they are so hurt themselves. I am still an advocate for older child adoption but I would strongly caution a family who already has healthy children in their care. As the adults you are making this decision but the other children in your home will also have to live with the consequences. It has been the hardest 18 months of our lives. We will continue to fight for her but it would make it so much easier if we could be honest without judgement. Thank you!!!
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We have been walking this extremely difficult road for 16 years now. It has helped us tremendously to look at adoption as a ministry God has called our family to, not as just another way to build a family. After having two birth children, we adopted five at ages 4-8 from overseas, from trauma backgrounds. Even at their present ages of late teens to early twenties, some of them are still struggling with many issues, including learning to trust (and this comes out in many ugly ways). But, praise the Lord, our kids are still breathing and God is still on His throne, so there is still hope!!!
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Such a good insight into what adoption often is–a rocky road with plenty of need for prayer. After 5 bio kids and a rather happy family, we adopted older siblings (2 sisters, then 12 & 14) and then later added a set of twins (then 6) Now, 8 years later, I wish we had had the insight then that we have now. Adoption is a wonderful journey, but is definitely filled with struggles and prayer is what helped us through those rocky times!
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Thank you so much for writing this. We are a few years into a difficult adoption, trusting the Lord for the grace to complete each day. Praying for your precious family as you honor Him!
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Thank you for your honesty. As an adoptive mom of 14 years, I can concur to this side that causes embarrassment, shame and guilt. Not many can understand, but for those of us who do, an honest heart helps so much. God Bless. debbie…… http://www.momonassignment.blogspot.com
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This just about broke me. In so many ways. I guess the largest is that I feel crazy for having some of these same feelings. When I try to articulate how I feel or the struggle we face I get the most inane remarks back… My favorite… \”but she is so cute!!\” I am left giving a blank stare and thinking in my head… what in the *%#%(&# does that have to do with anything? Yeah… Ok … I get it… She is cute and adorable. That does not change the challenge we face every day, the sensitivity issues due to the drugs that were ingested during the pregnancy, the fact that she is almost 3 and is going through that defiant going to fight you in every way possible. The fear I have of the fact that she comes from a family of addiction issues. We got her very young… she was 20 months old… That doesn't mean that everything is peachy keen. Thank you for this. Seriously… Thank you!
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Amen. We adopted a beautiful and broken 11 year old 8 years ago. God has loved him through me, because there were days and weeks when I didn't even like him – yet God has continually renewed my love for this boy. We eventually placed him in a therapeutic campus – far away. Not exactly my picture of adoption. Its been 2 years and he is finally healing and growing and maturing ~ making his way back home, most likely by the end of February. I have written about our story too because others need to know its not always very pretty. Thanks for sharing yours. http://motherofthewhat.com/category/adoption/
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Thank you!!! Your post is a blessing to us that love the difficult to love. Adoption is so much more than the world knows. God has called us to suffer so that others may have their suffering eased. He covers this initially as He covered Mt Sinai with a cloud to conceal himself from the Israelites while He spoke with Moses. They were not ready to see God and He protected them. We are not ready in the beginning to know all that we will endure with our children so he protects us. As we experience our children's deepest fears, we realize ours. We take refuge in Him and we love because He loves us. Without Him we could not. Thank you for sharing honestly. It empowers us all.
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To everyone: As an adoptee, I would like to tell you just how offensive, while its accurate, being called \”STORE BOUGHT\”. Yes we adoptees realized that we were \”Purchased\”… that in realized we are the commodity in the economic model for adoption. Just like Slaves were bought and sold in this country until the were emancipated. Yes, as an adoptee I know I am a \”SLAVE\” I was PURCHSED… but shame on you adoptive parents for laughing about this! Shame on you!
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Tears falling…Thank you.Sending prayers…
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Thank you! I pray God gives you insight in every earthly situation!
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Your comment is great. While I agree that people are likely projecting wounds on you and others… many children ARE wounded. Because that isn't the case for you, doesn't mean it isn't the case for someone else. And I think adoptees need your empathy. One of my children does feel wounded. He feels different, broken, and worthless. I have hope that he can heal and that he won't carry those wounds into adulthood. The more his dad and I — and all the other loving adults in his life validate those hopeless feelings, the easier time he will have healing.
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I too had tears come to my eyes as I read your post and the comments from others. I AM NOT ALONE! Our children are now all adults but the process of raising them was difficult at times. I often wondered if we had done the right thing. I thought I was the only one who felt like this! I do get frustrated by well meaning people who praise our efforts in raising these children. ..don't biological parents stick with their kids through thick and thin? Why is it such a great feat when adoptive parents do it?! Still, it hurts when I hear that others are talking about our children. Rather than criticize I'd love to see them come along side and mentor them! Help reinforce the things we attempted to teach them. Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing your heart and journey. May God bless your efforts in raising your child for Him and may she find true love in Him.
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Both of our adoptions were so different. Ike was adopted through CPS and no real hitches until he hit 18 mo old and the effects of drug/alcohol use prenatally kicked in and his learning was affected. THEN the roller coaster started and we are still on it. Our adoption of SW was not planned. A former student of mine, just kind of fell into our laps with the warning that \”teens are really too hard to adopt-too much baggage\”. She took off like a rocket in our care-she was much easier and still is. I have a healthy respect for adoption where as the old pre adoption me thought it was all blue or pink fluffy blankets and everyone clapping. haha. Not so. Keep on loving them. That is what I keep chanting when things so south:)
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Absolutely agree with above poster. It's offensive. I have to say this post was eye opening for me and not in a good way. I was a gaping wound child…this was hard to read. I can see the truth in it…but truly all we wanted was love and a place to belong. I thank God for His mercy.
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I read this post, today, 11/12/14, on our youngest son's 22nd birthday. We have three adoptive sons, all were older and from another country. Bernie is estranged from us, so I sent birthday wishes by text. He has paranoid schizophrenia, and has consumed quite a bit of synthetic pot, so that his sense of paranoia is heightened. He arrived nearly 18 years ago. Though it's been extremely difficult, I praise God for being permitted to be in the lives of our three sons. Ladies you are not alone, and now, neither am I.
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Hard to believe that the original poster would use this situation and write about it to make it worse by getting support from others that struggle. What she needed to do was write an affirmation of how wonderful it will be very soon if her attitude about it could change and hope can come in. Instead she is asking for sympathy for her instead of for the baby which would have been achieved if she talked about how poorly she herself had done it with her options and choices. We need to be the changes in this world. To the positive. Ask how to do it better instead of telling people how hard it is. Many children need parents, do not scare them away with this kind of writing. So sad…..I have adopted a sibling group of 4 and the oldest remembers her mommy. Yes, we have some issues with that, but I chose this, it is not her problem, it is mine to solve. Do not adopt unless you commit wholeheartedly. Amen.
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Two sides to every coin. Please don't take this comment personally because I don't even know you personally. I'm not trying to judge you just commenting on what you posted. Not knowing your situation but I see a lot of \”we\” had a hard time in your post, and how difficult it was for YOU not to have that perfect family that YOU wanted. Me, me, me, I, I, I. Sorry but it sounds like you adopted for all the wrong reasons. Did you adopt to make yourself feel better or for the sole purpose of saving one of the least of us, a helpless child? It's easy to love a good child, but the hard kids are the ones who give you the OPPORTUNITY to find the true ability to love. No one is perfect and sometimes we don't know how to show love and discipline at the same time. For the sake of all your children please get some help and take some parenting classes. Remember that God sacrificed the very life of His OWN Son Jesus to save us, his adopted children, and not just the ones who were nice or pretty. In your prayers, consider everything you are willing to sacrifice to save another as Jesus has saved you. Your reward will be ten-fold and much much greater than that perfect family photo on Facebook. And keep in mind that this child will always remember you, good or bad, and when you are old and gray she may be the only one left to care for you. Choose wisely.
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So, bottom line, let's all choose mercy over judgment and remember that God has adopted us all as his sons and daughers…(and truth be told, those of us who have given birth to our own flesh and blood have days where we don't like our children either!) like is a feeling/love is a choice 🙂
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I am in the same boat as you. These are tough, long days. Praying for you.
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I wasn't an \”official\” adoptee (although I was raised by my biological mother and step-father). But, I was a gaping wound child and had some of the same wounds that adopted children have. Although I'm sure neither of those calling adopted children \”store bought\” mean it offensively, it really is insensitive. Children are not a commodity and that kind of label does reduce them to that. I have cousins, friends, and my father and his brother were adopted. I have never thought of or heard any of them referred to as \”store bought\”. I also find it unreasonable to refer to adoptees as \”purchased slaves\”. We have many friends that have adopted children and none of them think of or treat their children as slaves. To the anonymous poster above; I am so very very sorry that you feel that way! I hope that your situation isn't one that, in reality, mimics any sort of slavery. I know there are many truly beautiful adoption stories, and sadly some ugly ones. Just as there are for families with only biological children. My family is just embarking on our adoption journey. We pray daily for our children and us to be prepared for our new family member(s). And, we pray for the child(ren) that are meant to be a part of our family to be experiencing love, care, nurturing and for all their needs to be met daily until they can come home to live with us. I am grateful for friends that have truthfully shared the good and the hard parts about adoption. We are not anticipating easy, but are hopeful that we can share our love with someone that needs it.
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Yes I was adopted to and never bonded to my adoptive mother . I never accepted her , and to be truly honest the day she died was like a huge burden was lifted from my shoulders. I was finally rid of her and my adoptive family. All this stuff about gods will gift from god crap just turned me into an atheist . The do gooders at church just made me sick. I wish more adopters would be honest and accept that adoption sucks.
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Thank you for your transparency and honesty. I'm sorry for the commenters who have chosen to judge and criticize rather than to see the redeeming love that truly comes through this post. Before bringing a 10 year old boy into our home, I remember a time with God when I realized that I needed to give up my ideal of the \”perfect\” family before we said yes; I needed to accept that our family's \”look\” might change. I thought I was prepared but I wasn't truly prepared. I choose each morning to love my son along with our biological children, our \”Disney Land\” adoption and our most recent special needs adoption. And most days I am again faced with a child who doesn't want me, his fifth mother figure; a child who is just waiting for me to leave him like all of the others. But that's the difference – I'm not leaving – and there's the hope that I also read in your post. We love because He first loved us. We choose to see the progress and the real child that's in there, wanting to come out. We press on. But we also need to be honest so that others know that they are not alone. We need to be vulnerable so others can walk alongside of us. We need people to pray for our homes and for our children. We need people to take a child or two for an evening or a weekend, to give us a much needed break. We need people to be prepared as they walk into adoption. Sometimes it's a Disney Land adoption but sometimes it's much, much harder than we could ever have imagined. Not being prepared, that's when families crumble and children are rejected and sometimes sent away – again. Families struggle and our children from hard places often struggle more but God is good and God is faithful. Thank you for speaking the truth of the journey but also the truth of God's love for our children and for us.
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Hi Anonymous – Just curious — how many wounded children have you adopted? My husband and I have adopted 4. It is hard! Don't judge until you have walked the road.
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Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are not alone. We've adopted 4 beautiful children and even though this path is laden with difficulties, it is worth it. Your story is similar to our experience with one of our daughters. I've had to fight through so much to pull her to a place where she feels safe and loved. Honestly – I didn't like her much the first year or so. But I kept my faith and had dear sisters in Christ who also had adopted hurting kids. The result– 5 1/2 years later — I am crazy for this precious girl!! I wouldn't trade a moment of the journey — all the times we had to hold her while her rage came out, the counseling, the books we read, the doubts we felt, even the times she spit in my face or kicked me! I am wiping tears now because she is a joy and a very great blessing. Fight the good fight dear sister:)
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The replies judging and criticizing the author leave me heartbroken for her. The author clearly loves and advocates for her adoptive daughter. This post, however, was about the struggles the parents face. It is ludicrous to think that we need to pretend that this journey isn't hard. So, if you have never adopted a child from a hard place, take the author's advice and throw up a prayer for any adoptive family rather than throwing stones at one offering support to the rest of us. This is EXACTLY why I have a group of friends in a similar situation, and we talk about how we need each other because each friend is a \”safe place,\” meaning that we can lay bare our souls and our sin while knowing that the group knows that we love our children to the core. We can speak the truth plainly, as this author has, without fear of judgment. We can expect support, encouragement, prayer, or a shoulder to cry on without having our words thrown back at us. Don't you realize that each word or criticism causes us to build our own walls, feeling yet more isolated. And that is the author's point, right? That we would be able to speak with truth and say this is hard? That those of us parenting kids from hard places wouldn't feel so alone?
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Thank you for sharing! It is so hard and those who have not been there simply do not understand until they have walked a mile in your shoes. We have grown so much closer to God through our adoption, but never have we been so alone. Those we thought were friends and fellow Christians have accused us of everything from \”lack of faith\” to bad attitude, to outright child abuse. They all want to tell us how we were doing it wrong. It's easy to sit in judgment when they have never stepped out in faith. We adopted children because we felt God was calling us to do so, because we wanted to be obedient. We know God is in control, but it has been very difficult. We are still waiting to see the end of the story that God is writing in our adoptive girls' lives. We love them and trust that His perfect will be done in their lives. To \”Anonymous\” I would say, do not judge us or Ashley. You have no idea of our trials and the tears we have shed over our children. Your \”holier than thou\” attitude does not help!
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It is sad to hear the story of your adopted daughter. I was adopted as an infant. Even after 46 years, I still feel like an outsider looking in. They don't look like me, act like me, there are no real ties that bind except for the love I feel for them. My older adopted brother also couldn't be more different. From an early age he not only showed hostility and jealously toward me, but toward my family. He is abusive to all who have cared about him and demands that they take care of him. My parents are bewildered as to where they went wrong, having brought up us in in the church and gave us the tools we needed to be productive members of society. I do realize your situation with your daughter is different and bless you for all you have done to help and love her. Adoption is not easy choice for a couple to make…but remember it is also not easy for ALL the children involved.
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Yes. This. Oh, Ashley, you've hit the nail on the head. This road is HARD and UGLY. We adopted a five year old girl five months ago. At first, we thought everything was fine, but we quickly realized she had huge gaping wounds. If I were to write a book about what has gone on since she stepped through our front door, people would think it was horror fiction because it is some unbelievable stuff. Thank you for speaking truth!
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As the grandmother of an adopted child with OCD and other issues, I can relate to many of the things you face…at least a little because I live with them.I am very thankful for each of you who have adopted wounded children. I also have a daughter who has 2 bio children who are on the autism spectrum.They act like wounded children even though they live in a 2 parent loving family.There are times that my grand-daughter is totally out of control My brother-in-law and wife do foster care. They have been fostering for 12 years and are usually given the preschoolers who are the most wounded. They set clear boundaries and consequences from the very beginning. She told me that one time she put a child in timeout 25 times before he learned she meant what she said. He was only 3 but as she left the room she heard him say \”Damn, she really means what she says.\” The next day his brother was out in time out and as he started to get up he was told\”You might as well just sit there, she will just put you back if you get up\”. She said 'you don't argue with a preschooler'. Just make the rule and the consequence clear and carry thru after 1 warning.It truly helps to give them boundaries. I'm not criticizing ANY of you and I know this doesn't answer the core issue but I just want you to know that there are foster parents that are trying their best to make an impact in the lives of your future children. All this to say, Keep seeking God's will. You never know what an impact you are having on these children. Satan would love for you to give up so he could destroy them.
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Thank you for sharing this. I grew up in a home as a biological child, with adopted siblings. Yes, what you say is true. Folks always talk about how great it was to adopt and how all the kids need is love. Horse radishes, there was so much more to it than most know. Thank you for talking openly and honestly about this. God bless you, and your family. Sending you love and support and prayers
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