Over the past decade as we have followed the call of God on our life it never seemed like it would ever be real. I definitely believed it would, it just seemed so far away. Now, here I am, just a few days away from moving to another country, culture, language, mindset, – everything. I am blown away. I’m not a very emotional person. I like to think that I am very level headed and easy going. It takes a lot to really get me upset about something or excited and I very rarely feel sad enough to cry. I don’t know if that is a blessing or a curse but it’s who I am.
As I sit here, not able to sleep, thinking about all that is in store – I am in awe. I’m in awe of a God that would waste His infinitely more important time on me. I’m in awe that He would move the hearts of His children to give so sacrificially to what He has called us to. I’m in awe that He would choose me, deal with me, work me, bless me, forgive me, call me, move me, show me, redeem my soul, and make me His face and representative to anyone. As I sit here thinking about His glory, Who He is and what He has done – I feel worthless, I am worthless. This is the only time I am emotional.
As I was lying down with Elliott tonight because he couldn’t sleep, I was thinking about what I want for his life. I want his sweet heart to overflow with the Love of Christ. I want his whole being to characterize who Christ is and what He can do in us. I want him to have the passion for His glory that Paul had.
Then it hits me.
I don’t want Elliott to be abused, I don’t want him to suffer, I don’t want him to know the cruelty that this fallen world is. I only want the best for him…but then there is 2 Corinthians 11: 24-28. Paul suffered so much for the name of Christ. I don’t want that for my son…..or do I. Paul says that his sufferings made him know Christ. 2 Corinthians 1:5 says we will share in His comfort as we share in his sufferings, Romans 8:17 says, in order to share in his glory we share in his sufferings. And I realized, if I want my son to know Christ, to TRULY experience Him – I have to want for him to be broken, to be willing for him to go through whatever it is that Christ has for Him. Maybe the best includes the worst. -Whoa
I also pray that God would make his life a Glorious representation of Him….but what if that is not the case…do I pray that God would just “keep him safe and give him good things”. No, I would rather Elliott not know this world if his life isn’t praising Him. I struggled through tears as I prayed that God would give him True life, one that follows Him with everything or that he would take it. I have prayed that for myself but never for my baby.
Then it came full circle – if I want all this for my son – I am responsible to teach him. God has gifted him to me and I am the one that is here to lead him and guide him. How can I expect for my son to know these things and feel this way if I don’t exemplify it.
Now, I feel emotional. The weightiness of that truth is too much for me – but not for Him. I am broken as I feel that I am not only responsible for my life to point to His glory but I am also responsible to teach my son the same. “What’s my life if it’s not praising you, another day of vain pursuit“ (Lecrae)
So, as I tell family and friends bye, as I “give-up” the American life and as I take on this new phase in my calling. I am learning to be emotional. I am learning to break for what breaks Jesus’ heart. I am learning to seek death to myself in order to gain life in Him. I want to hear “Well done” but even more, I want to see my little boy stand before Jesus as He looks at him and says, “Well done”. With so many men that I know failing in the ministry and in family – I want to always lead my family to Him – and it starts with my obedience out of my love for Him. I am not able, I am worthless, I am useless but he has chosen to use me for his Glory, He has chosen my family to make much of His name and I am amazed and motivated to make His glory known in the entire world. Now that excites me and motivates me.